Damn you, Matt Dillon!

Ok, Dillon, I get it. There's something about you, or something about me, but let's face it; we'll never be friends. You scowl at me, and close elevators on me because perhaps I'm a threat to you. Maybe I am; I perform menial public relation tasks for a Broadway show! And I take care of kids! What's the story, Matt? Are you mad at the world because of Herbie Fully Loaded and One Night at McCool's? You can't coast of Coppola forever.

One of these days, when we're both on Conan, I'll tell the story of the time you let the elevator door close on me. And we'll laugh, and laugh. But until that time, let it be known, I loathe you Matt Dillion. We are now sworn enemies. It's officially "on." My feud with you has begun.