You want reality? I've got your reality right here.

My career hit an all time low today. Playing Checkers with the 7yr old (she beat me only once), the mother (nudist) comes over and sits down. She asks, "I hope you don't think I'm crossing a boundary, but would you mind giving me a massage?" This was in front of her child. See, I have a problem saying no, in basically everything I do. I'm so eager to please, and consequently I become a doormat of sorts. You're wondering if I gave in? Well, that's what Purell and electric shock therapy are for.

Now, I try not to be judgemental about people, but it's quite hard sometimes. And if I am judging, I keep in to myself, usually. But today, I couldn't hide it. The mother, who as a reminder weighs over 300lbs, asked me to get her some Ben & Jerry's from the market. She was very secretive about it, because she disn't want her children seeing her eat. I was to get 8 pints of ice cream, in an assortment of flavors. My immediate reply was, "Eight? Do you really want eight pints of ice cream?" She appeared shocked, as if it's perfectly normal to devour enough ice cream to feed the children's wing at Bellvue. Relizing my faux-pah, I apologized, "it's none of my business what you do with your ice cream." See how smooth.

I was told to call her, if certain flavors were unavailable. After three markets, I called her from the Gristedes at 84th & Columbus. She instructed me to read every Ben & Jerry's flavor they carried, all 23 of them. Once she was happy, I took the pints to the cashier. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is, buying eight pints of ice cream all at once? Almost as embarrassing as admitting I gave the crazy lady a massage in front of her daughter. Oh yeah, she gave a few of those massage moans. Time to go set my hands on fire.

there's a crazy guy playing my clarinet, and I'm not pleased.