Had we known...

Here's a funny story; my horrible, ghastly roommate was moving out. Yay! We found a delightful, seemingly normal fella to replace her. My dream of have an living situation like that of Three's Company was slowly coming true. And I'd be Terri Alden (Pricilla Barnes) because of my caring nature, impecable comedic timing, and tremendous rack.

But alas, dreams often don't come true. The horrible roommate decided 3 days before super duper suit-wearing fella moves in, that she's not moving out. I feel so sad about this situation. My father says, "that's life in the Big City, for ya." He also says, "Bebe Neuwirth has legs up to her neck, and Loretta Swit as a chest that won't quit." But I digress. Oh my.

In other news, I'm pacing myself as far as entertainment and excitment is concerned. Tomorrow, I'm working with one family from 10-5, then imediatly getting on the Jitney to East Hampton to deal with the ticket lady and co. Monday night we return, I go home, feed my Rabbit, pick up my suitcase, and sleep at my other bosses house - we have to leave at 7am the next morning. Then we have 6 14 hour days of fun in the sun (yeah right), followed by 2 10 hr days w/ the ticket lady, then I have a makeup class, followed by my normal class. What a week, I'm about to have.

I've been getting complaints from the Peanut Gallery, concerning the quality in my writing, and it's decline. Well, guess what suckers? Improvement is upon us. I'm so tired at the end of the day, and nobody wants to hear about how many posters I counted, how much dry cleaning I picked up, or how I got a kid to stop isiming. I promise to be more motivated, and write better quality goodness. Also, it's difficult because I never used to have a need to censor myself. Now that my friends read this, I can't say what I really think of them. Especially you, Melissa.

On second thought.

Cat sitting was...exhausting. I spent a good pasrt of the weekend, worried whether or not the animal would still be alive when I got home, and whether I'd have a job come Monday morning. This cat has a price tag, with an hourly rate. You may be wondering, why there was room for concern regarding the animal's safety. Because she ended up on our fire escape at least once, and in the hallway another time. All I'm saying, is that I was at work the whole time.

The walk home, and the day as a whole.

Class was tough. I'm not going to lie. The Autistic teenager I care for, thinks my teacher's too tough. That's not really the case. I ADORE my teacher. But, class was really weird this evening. Maybe it's the half-way slump. I'm so pleased, because at this time during 201 I hadn't really clicked with my other classmates. None of us really hung out. It wasn't until after 201 was over, that friendships were forged. Whether they will continue forging along, is a different post altogether. But here, we all get along and genuinely like one another. I told them I really don't write about them, but I just can't help it.

I ADORE YOU GUYS!!!

I went to see Chicago today, just to see Phillip Casnoff. Damn you, Phillip Casnoff. Were you to busy giving Bebe Neuwirth a foot massage, to come out to see little old me? He was dead sexy today. Let's use this as a segway to hornyness.

I am. Often. Maybe I hide it well. Or not. I was never the one that got off on a famous actor, or hot sex scene. Or Dexter. No, I'm the one that gets her rocks off, watching certain members of the male species perform on Broadway. Watching some of them, my toes curl right in my shoes. I'm not saying I get bizarrely aroused by a promo shot from Chess in 1986, featuring Phillip Casnoff. But I'm not not saying that either. Maybe what I'm saying, is that I'd like to have sex. Now works for me.

Here's a brief list of fictional characters that I find attractive.
-Barney Rubble from The Flinstones
-Captain Caveman
-Peter Brady
-Jack Tripper
-Joey Gladstone
-The Riddler
-that kid from Even Stevens (he's legal, don't start)
-Harry Potter
-Caracatus Potts (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)
-Cyclops
-Fred (Scooby Doo)

There's a Mao Mao in the hizz-ouse, a Jew on a plane, and another on the street.

Many exciting events are taking place in The Valet's life as of late, and it's best we spill a few of the good tidings.

Firstly, as the post title suggests, we're (my roommates and I) are getting a cat. Sort of. I'm cat-sitting for a week, while my boss and her kid ski the slopes of Park City. The cat's name is Cosette, a name I can't stand, so I call her Mao Mao. Like the Puerto Rican Gang in Brooklyn, during the 1950's. I've always wanted a cat, and I'm curious how she'll interact with my Rabbit.

Also, as I've previously mentioned, but know reiterating, I'm going to Boca for 4 days with a family. I've traveled with familes before (the Hamptons, upstate NY, Jersey shore) but never on a plane. I promised the kids I'd put together kid-friendly airplane bags filled with enough goodies to keep them entertained for two hours. The day before I leave for Florida, I'm going to East Hampton for another job. Whatta life!

But the best news, is that our horrible old roommate if FINALLY moving out. How wonderful!

When it's cold outside, what are you supposed to do?

Watch Showgirls, of course. I love Showgirls, in the way some love The Lost Boys or Citizen Kane. I pick up little nuances everytime I watch. My roommates have never seen this classic, and since the weather was so horrible, I insisted we watch. I'm still trying to convince one of my roommates to dress as Nomi Malone for Halloween.

One of my favorite moments;
when Nomi and James, the black dancer fella are trying out the routine, and he puts his hand down her pants. She stops him, explaining she's on her period. Or as I say, being menstrul. And because she's been around many untrusting people in her life, she tells him to check. She was telling the truth, the whole time!

Getting it? Got it? Good!

Class was pretty fabulous last evening. I'm putting myself out there a bit more, and next week I'll stretch even more. We learning how to perform Organic Openings. The only downside of learning the Organic Openings, is my pants kept falling down - it's hard to get group mind, when you're concerned they're all going to see your underpants.

We all went back to Improdome at the P.I.T. again, and rocked the shite out of it! This time there were two groups of us, and my groups was just brilliant. What can I say? We are hilarious!! Apparently, we're making this a weekly thing, so if you're jonesing for some Valet Improv Lovin' check me out around 11.30 on a Wed. And if you just want some good ole' sweet sweet lovin', say hi to me at Cage Match tonite. I'll be the girl gazing dreamily at Ben Rogers.

My pal Sam, made this for you, which I lovelingly hotlinked. Do you have second billing? Didn't think so. Enjoy!

It's a jumble!

Where have the days gone? Here's what you may have missed:
-I officially hate my job
-I REALLY want to go to the Tony's.
-Did I say I hate my job? I LOVE my job, and I LOVE the Tony's.
-Actually, I enjoy my job, I hate my boss.
-It will most definatly end in tears and screaming, hopefully after the Tony's.
-One of the kids found profos in my wallet.
-This was the one time in the history of me - with the exception of all of my Junior year - that I carried profos with me.
-Ernie Sabella is a jolly man
-My new favorite restaurant might be Joe Allens.
-Old Italian men find me and my hands attractive.
-"Where the Sidewalk Ends" is STILL the best book to get kids to enjoy reading.
-Carrying 100 window cards to 50 restaurants isn't nearly as easy as it looks.
-I'm "the best Nanny in the whole world".
-I have "buzz."
-I still get week in the knees for British & Scottish boys, particularly those working behind a bar.
-I missed you.

A piece of the puzzle.

My family is small. Really small. It's just myself, and my Mum & Dad. Both my parents are only children, and three of my four grandparents died before I was born. The only living grandparent - my mother's mother - lives a bitter existence in Florida.

Her name is Minerva, she's 86, and we haven't spoken in almost 2 years. I have 2nd or 3rd cousins, that went onto live prosperous, wealthy lives. Apparently, I have a handful of cousins that are doctors & lawyers (per norm), and one that supposedly models for Chanel. Minerva has/had 8 brothers and sisters, who pushed their children to succeed, be captains of industry, have stable families.

She used to tell my Mum, that we're a dysfunctional family because my parents had huge arguments that sometimes resulted in my mother getting a hotel room for the night, and they couldn't control me. She thought my illness could be turned off, if I tried hard enough. Truth is, she abhores anything related to mental illness, and she continues to deny she had any part in depression running in my family.

I've tried to figure out where her intollerance of mental illness stems from, and I think might have figured out a big piece of the puzzle. Their was once a psychiatric hospital in Northeast Philadelphia, called Byberry Hospital. It was for the mentally unstable, and it was exactly what one thinks of when they think "mental institution." Horrible conditions, mistreatment of patients, etc. It was shut down in 1990, and the remaining paitients were transferred to one of the State-run hosiptals. Later in life, I'd work with several of these tranplants, at a nursing home, and their stories were so farfetched, they had to be true. It's a huge, looming property with underground tunnels connecting buildings, that became a refuge for the homeless and the drug addicted. People had websites, offering secret tours - if you were caught, you'd be arrested for trespassing. Growing up, I was told Minvera had 7 brothers & sisters. A great aunt of mine informed me, they had an eigth sibling - a sister. I was told she was admitted to Byberry when she was eight, and lived there until her death at 15. My grandmother refused to speak of her, and I don't even know her name. This was news to even my mother.

Her first husband, Sam died of a heart attack when my mother was 18. Story goes, he doted on my mother, and my grandmother resented it. She was very neglectful of my mother. She remarried two more times - putting another husband in the ground, and another in the poor house. She has a boyfriend, going on 12 years now. He doens't like me either.

She was constantly on me about my weight, my grades, and my asparations. I egged her on, to the point of her needing to rely on Valium just to be in the same room with me. As I became older, and life finally started to come together, we started up a great, mature relationship.

Some of you know, my first time living in New York, wasn't on the Upper East Side. I tried out Tribeca from August to October of '05. Although I was interviewing 3 times a day, practically every day, I couldn't get a job that paid well enough for me to make rent. I called my Grandmother crying, asking for rent money ($1500). She refused to give it to me, because she wanted to teach me a lesson. Because of that "lesson", I had to move back into my parents 1 bedroom apartment, slept on the couch for 4 months, and communted to New York 3 days a week, interviewing. I haven't spoken to Minerva since then. I was her God damned Granddaughter - her only grandchild.

She would send me $50 on my birthday, and Hannukah. And she called me on Yom Kippur, because her endocrinologist said she should try and make peace with me. I hung up on her. Since then, the money has stopped, as have the calls. She asks about me, when she talks with my mother, but my mother is very vague on my life, just as I requested she be.

So, why bring all of this up? Well, it seems I'm traveling with a family to Boca Raton next month - and we'll be stayinh withing 5 miles of Minerva. I have absolutely no desire to reconcile or even acknowlege her. My Mum says she has Parkinson's, and my only periodic question pertaining to her is, "How advanced is it?"

A 36-hour existence.

I have to be at work in two hours. I chose not to sleep, but to chat with my roommate all night, order take-out, and watch Tivoed Lost, that HILARIOUS Rainn Wilson episode of SNL, 3 episodes of Jeopardy, and NY1 on mute. I'm not really groggy, and I've functioned like this before. I wouldn't recommend a normal person, of average strength being awake for 24 hours, then working a 13hour day. Ok, perhaps I'm a bit tired. I just need to use some of my H20+ Mint body cream, pop a couple caffine pills, slick on some Cranberry Lip Glaze, and I'll be off.

By the way, my Rabbit is extremely perturbed with me. I'll delve into her new (now deceased) cage visitor at another time. Anyway, the visitor chewed a hole in her bed, and stuffing starting coming out. Since that's harmful if ingested, I had to throw the bed away. In place of the bed, I bought her a delightful, super soft arm chair. Oh, well she's very upset; thumping, throwing her chair around, dumping her food. She's very much like me.

Stay tuned for our 1st annual Easter card - It'll be a freaking delight!

To do.

I've been in Philly. I've been home since early Thursday morning. Penn Station at 8am is nothing short of Hell. And I know Hell. Many things to take care of; got a new driver's license photo taken (I STILL look sleepy in driver's license photos), purchased a new bed for my Rabbit, rocked out to Benny Goodman on the tape player of my Mum's Pontiac, and didn't spend nearly as much at Target, as I could've.

Speaking of Target, has anyone tried Method cleaning products? They're super duper cheap at Target, and super duper awesome! My roommate turned me on to them; all natural ingrediants, bio-degradeable goodness, yummy scents. Females dig this BS. But, I reccomend you try them - the candles are quite nice as well.

But wait.

I've got something to say. No, not over there. Look down. Lower. A lot lower! Can you hear me? Should I speak up? Oh, maybe if I write it out - oh, sky writing would do quite nicely. Hmmm, Jumbo Tron! That's it. I'll totally get my point across with that! This is so great, because I have so much important stuff to say, and I just know you want to hear it. Right? Hey, wait - where did you go? Oh, there you are - you were where? Talking to those people, in the other room? You want to go back? Sure, no I don't mind. You need what? $10 bucks? Hey, make it $15. I know, I know - I am sooooooo nice. That's kind of you to say. No, I won't mind if you say horrible things about me, to people that never met me before. I mean, once they hear the stories, the won't want to come within 50 feet of me anyway. So, really you're doing me a favor. Just for that, make it $20! What's that you say? No, I disagree - I do know how to say "no", and I really don't crave big you know whats. But, don't worry - feel free to tell any and all people that I can't and that I do. I mean, just look at you with you're big group in the next room - you telling lies about people you don't really know is a heck of a lot more interesting, then me telling them how wonderful you are. I guess it's time to shift the conversation, anyway. I agree - it's time for me to get going. Yeah, I'll be fine. What, it's only 3am - the "L"'s still running, right? You assume so? Good enough for me. Hey, are you going to be all right getting hom - oh, you've already left.

Fancy Spread!

Check out the lastest issue of NY Magazine - FABULOUS spread of the cast! Wee Hoo! Wee Woo!

I'm pretty famous today.

Class was a beast tonight. I can blame my allergies acting up, as to why I wasn't "present" but that's not it. I'm showing all the symptoms of being "in my head." I spoke with my teacher after class, and he said I get it - I just have to trust myself. I would really love to.

It helps I'm really comfortable with my class already. We went to The P.I.T. this evening, and a few of us performed at Improdome. I quite enjoyed it, and it's really good to be performing again. We didn't win, but our group knocked a bunch out of the park. Hopefully, we'll have a practice group going soon.

I'm about to pass out, so goodnight to all you lucky people.

I'm ALL moved in!

Officially! Now, I can take that $150.00/month and buy lots more cosmetics! No, not really - I'm joking. See my smirk? No, really I'm going to take the money and join a gym. I'd like to stave off the diabetes for as long as possible

MOVING DAY!

Speaking of Broadway crushes...

This is my original Broadway crush. Michael Cerveris - I've seen every Broadway show he's ever done.

-Tommy
-Titanic
-Assassins
-Sweeney Todd
-Love Musik is next!!!

Whee!

Never engage the Tigress; she's lible to eat your face off.

Not really newsworthy, but I purchased some new jeans over the weekend. Not just any jeans, but the sort that stains your legs indigo while elongating your legs, and making you smile for miles. Apparently, my boss noticed my jeans, and all around pleasant demeanor, because she's been really nice to me the past two days. And that scares me.

In the past two days, she's asked about my weekend, complimented me on my weight loss and dewey glow, pardoned me when I sneezed, and gave me some free passes to the Reebok gym on the UWS. She also invited me to some show-related business this weekend, at the Tourneau watch store on Madison. If I finagle carefully, I can show off my cute new dress to the cast and work a 13hr day. So, something's afoot.

Old Springs Pike, was a decent show this evening. It's folk rock, which isn't exactly my bag. But, Johnny can surely rock out, so I come for that. And you should too. We finally spoke this evening, chatting about our mutual likes and dislikes (improv, and my boss respectively.) He's oh so young, but I'm not one to discriminate.

Tomorrow is sort of a big-ish day. I'm FINALLY emptiying my storage unit, with the help of a man-with-a-van. Where the hell were you people, when I needed you? And then class. It's strange, I've run into two of my classmates out and about, very randomly. That never happens to me. It must be Kismet - either that, or we all have a crush on Johnny Gallagher and we all take the 2 train at 9.30 in the morning.

We found a good one.

A new roommate, that is. Our open house was a smashing success, and although we only saw 4 people, it was an easy decision. And yes, that was me on the fire escape in my pajamas, shaking the rug out - you're welcome.

He's a very nice Brooklyn-born boy, who rounds out the craziness the rest of the household posesses. I've only lived with my boyfriend, but never another guy. He seems smart enough to put the seat down, and to stay out of our own personal dramas.

We all got the warm fuzzies from him. And for the three of us to agree whole-heartedly on something is a pretty big deal. He was warm, amiable, and asked to play with my Rabbit - I know other boys who don't care for such things. We're all super excited. Whee! New Blood!

In other news, GO SEE BLACK SNAKE MOAN!!!!!!!!!!! It's the best movie involving a chained up Nympho since Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! It's such an amazing film, I can't say enough good things about it. So I won't. Go see it now!

OPEN HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!

Come to our Open House tomorrow, from 2-6. Tell your friends!

The "help".

The families I work with, have additional "help". I've worked in fully staffed households (butler, maids, Major Domo, security detail, driver, dog walker) and we all know what happen to those gigs. But still, the current families have a handful of "extra hands".

One mother has two other nannies besides myself, and a weekly housekeeper - not uncommon. The Autistic boy I work with, has two other nannies, a live-in housekeeper, and a cook. But the family I work with most often, has 3 other nannies, a full-time housekeeper, a bookkeeper, and me. And I do everything else that's not in the above's job description.

I've only ever worked with two of those three nannies. One is a middle-aged woman from Trinadad, who instantly brightens up my day. She's hilarious, doesn't mince words, and adores me - which is always a good thing. The other women is from Guatemala, and speaks little to no English. I speak enough Spanish to get me out of a jam, but she gets really offended when I try and speak Spanish to her. It's awkward sitting across from someone you know, and not speaking to them. She's warmed up to me - I have the best intentions, and a winning smile - but there's some resentment on her part, I can see.

Improv, class 1!

My father has explained to me, Jack Benny would always get nervous before The Tonight Show. I'm no Jack Benny, but I felt like him before class tonight. I was quite nervous. But guess what, fans & foes? I rocked the crapp out of class! It was wonderful, I was fabulous, and the class was super-duper awesome. See you at Myspace at UCB tomorrow night! Time for bed; I have to be in early - my boss is getting a Colonoscopy. It's common knowledge, don't you know?