Where the boys are.

My delicious friend Miles, says one should not go out for an evening, and have expectations. I always have expectations - it's what sees me through the day. Expectations rarely become what you had hoped for. I went out with a lovely "theatre person"for dinner & drinks. She wanted to set me up with some guy. "Oh, not just any guy - he does Improv!" Well, here we go again.

I don't date improvisors. Anymore. It is my thought, that Improvisors, particularlly of the male persuasion, are sick, self-centered individuals. These are the boys that got picked on in High School, while playing D & D, collecting Spawn action figures, jacking off to Cameron Diaz in the Mask...they move to New York, wanting to prove a point, showing all the basketball-playing douchebags of the world, that they overcame the mistreatment and are so much cooler than you and I. They find a world that accepts them, and allows them to foster their nerditude and all around geekery. It makes them braver, stronger, confidant - they are the Peter Parker's of this world.

The acceptance goes straight to their penis, and they are infalliable. They move to Brooklyn & Queens, because when you're a "real performer" you can't possibly afford to live in Manhattan. Unless, your income is being subsidized my Mummy & Daddy. Then they decide to live in Brooklyn & Queens because it gives the appearance of having character and convictions. They are ironic; they wear hightops - not because they're back in style, but because they are still a child, desperatly clinging to 1986. They meet stupid fan girls, and even dumber performers, all looking for acceptance in their own right. I am a dumb performer.

We flirt, drink, and screw. It makes things delightfully awkward. We do scenes together, with so much sexual tension, we need the Cutlery Barn on speed-dial. That is it. We might date, but stupid Improv boys are busy chasing rainbows, kissing ass to teachers. You call it "networking". I call it "mutuus penis combibo" or mutual blow jobs of the mind. You're so self-absorbed, us stupid girls grow tired of these games. We settle for a drunk invesment banker, or a coked-out NYU student - granted we have nothing in common, but they can fuck for hours.

Personally, I have distanced myself from the Improv world. I don't want to be a dumb performer. I know where I want to go, and I feel Improv isn't that place. It is not my Xanadu. I cannot perform, or enjoy an evening of Improv anymore, knowing so and so is there, and he may try and speak to me. It is an evening consisting of walking on eggshells. If he speaks to me, he'll remind me how good he's doing in his little universe, how happy he is with his amazing group of friends. And I hate him for that. And then we make out a little. And then I come home, and write about it.

In five or ten years, where will I be? I know where I'd like to be, and it involves an apartment in the 60's and Lexington, and a degree. Where will the Improv boys be? Probably still at Triple Crown, drinking Stella. Boys, prove me wrong - just don't call me.

And to address the issue of last night, I think it was there was a mutual level of disinterest. Although pleasing to the eyes, I just don't want to open that can of PBR again. And he probably couldn't handle my rapid mood swings and my insatiable appetite for dick. It's been know to happen.

Thank you, theatre friend, for trying. I love you for it. Let's pick someone from another medium next time, like pantomime.

The walk home, and the day as a whole.

Class was tough. I'm not going to lie. The Autistic teenager I care for, thinks my teacher's too tough. That's not really the case. I ADORE my teacher. But, class was really weird this evening. Maybe it's the half-way slump. I'm so pleased, because at this time during 201 I hadn't really clicked with my other classmates. None of us really hung out. It wasn't until after 201 was over, that friendships were forged. Whether they will continue forging along, is a different post altogether. But here, we all get along and genuinely like one another. I told them I really don't write about them, but I just can't help it.

I ADORE YOU GUYS!!!

I went to see Chicago today, just to see Phillip Casnoff. Damn you, Phillip Casnoff. Were you to busy giving Bebe Neuwirth a foot massage, to come out to see little old me? He was dead sexy today. Let's use this as a segway to hornyness.

I am. Often. Maybe I hide it well. Or not. I was never the one that got off on a famous actor, or hot sex scene. Or Dexter. No, I'm the one that gets her rocks off, watching certain members of the male species perform on Broadway. Watching some of them, my toes curl right in my shoes. I'm not saying I get bizarrely aroused by a promo shot from Chess in 1986, featuring Phillip Casnoff. But I'm not not saying that either. Maybe what I'm saying, is that I'd like to have sex. Now works for me.

Here's a brief list of fictional characters that I find attractive.
-Barney Rubble from The Flinstones
-Captain Caveman
-Peter Brady
-Jack Tripper
-Joey Gladstone
-The Riddler
-that kid from Even Stevens (he's legal, don't start)
-Harry Potter
-Caracatus Potts (Chitty Chitty Bang Bang)
-Cyclops
-Fred (Scooby Doo)

Getting it? Got it? Good!

Class was pretty fabulous last evening. I'm putting myself out there a bit more, and next week I'll stretch even more. We learning how to perform Organic Openings. The only downside of learning the Organic Openings, is my pants kept falling down - it's hard to get group mind, when you're concerned they're all going to see your underpants.

We all went back to Improdome at the P.I.T. again, and rocked the shite out of it! This time there were two groups of us, and my groups was just brilliant. What can I say? We are hilarious!! Apparently, we're making this a weekly thing, so if you're jonesing for some Valet Improv Lovin' check me out around 11.30 on a Wed. And if you just want some good ole' sweet sweet lovin', say hi to me at Cage Match tonite. I'll be the girl gazing dreamily at Ben Rogers.

My pal Sam, made this for you, which I lovelingly hotlinked. Do you have second billing? Didn't think so. Enjoy!

I'm pretty famous today.

Class was a beast tonight. I can blame my allergies acting up, as to why I wasn't "present" but that's not it. I'm showing all the symptoms of being "in my head." I spoke with my teacher after class, and he said I get it - I just have to trust myself. I would really love to.

It helps I'm really comfortable with my class already. We went to The P.I.T. this evening, and a few of us performed at Improdome. I quite enjoyed it, and it's really good to be performing again. We didn't win, but our group knocked a bunch out of the park. Hopefully, we'll have a practice group going soon.

I'm about to pass out, so goodnight to all you lucky people.

Improv, class 1!

My father has explained to me, Jack Benny would always get nervous before The Tonight Show. I'm no Jack Benny, but I felt like him before class tonight. I was quite nervous. But guess what, fans & foes? I rocked the crapp out of class! It was wonderful, I was fabulous, and the class was super-duper awesome. See you at Myspace at UCB tomorrow night! Time for bed; I have to be in early - my boss is getting a Colonoscopy. It's common knowledge, don't you know?

Customer Support, my ass!

Back to the real world. Well, as "real" as one can expect with my life. Yesterday and today, have proved to be extremely trying days. My boss purchased a Palm Treo 750, the newsest model. It's only compatible with a PC, which she doesn't have. Yet, she's convinced she can sync up her old Palm to my PC, and magically the info will transfer to her new Treo. I was on the phone with Tech Support until 10pm last night, and for 6 hours today. Bottom line, it can't be done. She kept yelling at me to "be more forceful" "demand to speak to a manager." Bite me. Really.

The 7yr old made me a present over the weekend; a replica of my apartment made of Legos, complete with a roommate in the living room. I'm glad someone appreciates me around here.

Just a reminder, Johnny's band Old Springs Pike is performing next week at the Knitting Factory! Get your tickets, while you can.

Oh yeah, I begin level 3 tomorrow at UCB. Nervous? Um, hell's bells yes!

A good, good day with no furor.

As the title implies, today was a wonderful, delightful day. Arriving bright and early, armed with Monopoly and Shel Silverstien, it was a picture perfect Nanny in New York time. The marathon Monopoly game began at 9am, paused for lunch around noon, and reconviened around 1.30. The 7 yr old beat me, royally around 3.30. Grandma treated everyone to lunch at Jackson Hole, and she spoke down to me, only slightly. She reminds me a great deal of my Grandmother, whom I haven't spoken with in almost two years. My Grandmother was a condesending woman, who greatly disproved of my depression and subsequent behaviors, and the final outcome - me living. In my experience, many Jewish Grandmothers are very similar, and my bosses mother is no exception. Perhaps she's not as bad as I say, and I certainly get points for taking stellar care of her grandchildren. But she still resents me.

After Monoply, we went to the Natural History Museum to check out the new exhibit, "Origins of the Human Body." It's pretty sweet, and I certainly recommend it to all ages. Full on skeletons, awesome dioramas. Two opposable thumbs up! Funny, huh?

We dined on Latkes at a Jewish Deli on the UWS; apropos for the day, I suppose. After or filling meal of Jewish soul food, we read from "Where the Sidewalk Ends", my most favorite childrens book in the universerse. Just ask me to receit "Sick" from memory.

I closed the evening with songs (yes, I'm the Nanny that sings the kids to bed) by Billy Joel (Downeaster Alexa), Les Miz, and my bedtime ritual song, "I'd Rather Be Blue" from Funny Girl.

I'm home now, no one else is, and I'm enjoying the momentary peace. God knows, it doesn't long around here. What, you're disapointed this post isn't as salacious as it should be? Hey, dummy what do you want from me? Nothing exciting happens when you work all weekend - I've gone over that with you. Although I have an opening in my Jerk Circle, you pestering me isn't going to get you in. And yes, Matt Dillon - it's still "on."

By the way, I'm very, very proud of this fella, and his Maneating Flesh of a Virus improv group. I recomend you follow their exploits. They had people asking, "What the crap is a Thank You, Robot, and where can I get one?"

Improv, Boys, Trust

Day 2 of my class with Rob Riggle finished a few hours ago. A complete 180 of yesterday's class. I just didn't trust myself, wasn't present, and pretty much sucked. These are the same issues I dealt with during 201, and I forgot how much I hated facing them. Riggle said many encouraging things after class to me, that really helped. I wish I WISH I could stay present in a scene; he said I have to stop self-writing so much. Don't Think, I know, I know! I'm still excited to start 301, but I'm so petrified. I can do this, right?

Riggle is performing at ASSSSCAT! tonight, and he said he'll be teaching some classes in April and during the marathon.

Moving right along, I picked up one of the kids from a playdate today, and I swooned. I haven't swooned is a long time. At the door, the playmate's older brother answered. Honestly, words didn't come out if my mouth, and I just stood there looking like an idiot. The more he smiled, the less functional I became. I didn't get his name, but he was SO handsome. Holy cow, he was delicious. This is not a typical reaction, mind you. And don't listen to my roommates is they say otherwise. If we all have a physical "type", he was mine. Nope, you're not getting any details - like all good crushes, I'm keeping this one to myself.

Back in the saddle, again! Whee!

I just came from my first UCB class in 6 months. I can't believe I haven't performed in so long! This was just a workshop, and I took it to get a jumpstart on level 301 which begins in two weeks. It's no big surprise, I can be VERY self-concsious about myself, especially when I perform. Improv is so incredably different than musical theatre. When performing a song, I'm not shy or scared because I'm confidant in my abilities as a singer. I'm not entirely confidant in my abilites as an improviser, mostly because I went 12 years without it, and this new improv world differs so greatly than that of Reading, PA.

Rob Riggle is a tremendous teacher, who really gets "it." He's so reassuring, and gives amazing notes. I wish he taught classes on a more regular basis. Basically, this workshop teaches us to find the "game" as soon as possible. While I appreciate the some of the class wouldn't ask him about his tenure on SNL, or what Jon Stewart smells like (of course I'm curious, but I'm not paying money to learn about what a hardass Lorne is, I'll figure that on my own.) I understand why they do it. Most of the class has completed 401, and I belive I'm the only one who hasn't done 301. There were some Harold Team members there, and it's pretty sweet performing with them. A chick from Tantrum and I had a good scene. If anything, this class will teach me to become more confidant in my abilities. Because if I'm not, how the HELL will I EVER be able to find the game?

Riggle also said, the teachers nowadays are too easy. He said Besser used to make men cry. They really weeded the rifraff out. Can't wait for tomorrow. It's good to be back.

Because I went to work, then to class, and then back to work, I'm requesting no one tell me about any fun plans this weekend. I just can't do it, I'm way to exhausted.

Pledges and codes, be damned.

Who did I work for today? Why, I'm still at work. First, the teenager and I went to the New York Transit museum. What a fun place! You can sit in the old subway cars! Wow! Did you know, the subway cars back in the day had cushioned seats? And little fans! And were painted mint green, or bright red and purple! Wow, right? Because I'm slightly lame, I think this would be a fun place to take a date.

Now, I'm working for the ticket lady, and was given 3 suprises upon entering the house. The first one was an invite to something I've always dreamed of attending. And that's all I'm saying about that right now. The second was in the form of two additional little girls. It's a slumber party. I deal w/ multiples very well, and nothing's better than a bunch of girls. But one of thse kids is such a spoiled, rude little pain. I feel bad scolding a child who's not really in my care, but this kid needed it. The other little girl is a delight, so smart and polite.

They're currently watching this horrible kid's show with an equally horrible name, "The Naked Brother's Band." One day I'll make an entire post about this horrible program. It's that bad.

All of this, and I was able to cram a friend's performance at UCB inbetween. In a bit, it's time to start stuffing envelopes. My roomate's are right - I am "Day to Night Barbie!"

Did you sign up?

I sure did!!!