Hmmm, an update???

Why the hell not, right? It's only been 5 months. Well, I'm in school now, bettering myself with hopes of attaining one million somoleons before I hit 40. Then I won't need ridiculous roommates that leave dirty dishes out for weeks at a time and turn the furniture over when they don't want me sitting on it. I'll be able to own my little place on 63rd & Lex.

After 6 moves in three years, Ive decided I will most likely move out soon. Get my own sweet pad in Harlem. Oh, didn't you hear? Mama's making the big bucks now.

Yes yes, back to the rock and roll nanny trade. Amazing kids. I love this kids more then I can say. And they're SOOOOOOOO chunky! I've taught the 2yr old boy to pump his fist in the air and shout "HUZZAH!" Your welcome, nerds.

Today I'm in Philly visiting my mother, who learned to walk real nifty since being hit by an SUV 6 months ago. Yay mom. I'm still not convinced it wasn't an assination attempt.

I'm dating this deightful hooligan in the Bronx with an equally deightful back tattoo. The G.E.D. certificate on the wall, screams stability. And the scary fact is, he's one of the most stable men I've met in years.

I'm attributing this random update to the fact I've drunk three cans of Coke in the past two hours and it's almost 4 in the morning. Maybe this will be the day I start up the frequent entries again. Maybe.

Happy Day After Valentine's Day Half Priced Candy Day!

I got to 1st base (or 2nd if you're in high school)

My boss is an awkward woman. She's not the most personable, and she's rather cold. From those I've spoken to, that's a typical boss. I've been spoiled in the boss department, always having ones that would totally let me take half a day if I had bad cramps or was balling my eyes out.

I attempt humour at work - a place where humour rarely exists. Most don't take to kindly to my "back-of-matchbook" humour.

I was joking aroundw/ my fabulous interns towards the end of day, when my boss came in to say her goodbyes. They're leaving tomorrow to go off to college and allow themselves to be corrupted by the man. She was giving hugs, and I jokingly held up my arms asking for my hug. As she attemped an awkward sideways hug, she accidentaly grabbed my left bbreat, full on. What is with people favoring that boob!!

My interns nearly died of laughter. It was a pretty priceless moment. The younger interns explained I got to 2nd base. I said it was totally 1st. I said we do things differently in New York. And for once I can honestly say, it was NOT the best action I've recieved in a while.

The meek shall inherit...

All of the children I work for, know me on a personal level. When I'm in a show, start a new job, take my Rabbit to vet, they all know. When I have roommate problems, the all know. And they put their two cents in.

A little girl I work with every other Friday, gave me some sage advice the other night. "If you have so many problems living with roommates, maybe you should live on your own." The child is 8.

And to brifely address her remark, I enjoy and prefer living with others. I've just been dealt a revolving roster of crappy roommates.

Giving the right impression

I don't run into people I know on the subway very often. When I do, it's usually someone I wish I hadn't seen. Occasionally I ride w/ "celebs". I think I've ridden w/ 70% of the current cast of SNL; Fred Armisen has an affinity for the "1" - I've seen him on three separate occasions.

Tonight's encounter wasn't someone of noteriety, or even of infamy. He wasn't famous, and he wasn't welcomed. It was this guy I dated when I first moved to the City.

He was a Math major at a fancy school, who gave up a useless major to do nothing w/ his life - stand-up comedy. He was ok - light years better than that other comic I dated. Our relationship was weird, to say the least. He broke up w/ me via text message. When that happened, I was so so angry I blogged the shit out of him, defaming him all over the net. When you googled his name, my old blog would be the first thing you saw. I got over that, however. Barely a memory; I can't even remember is name.

Last I heard, he was seriously dating some Freshman at NYU, probably trying to get her from behind. And his comedy was still adequite.

Anyway, I saw him on the 1/2/3 platform at 14th St. tonight. I ducked out of site, and he didn't see me. But I saw him. And he had gained weight. And I smiled. I think he might have shrunk too.

An open letter to my landlord.

Dear Ellis,

I'm really sorry I gave you the finger and told you to "fuck off". I had a terrible day, parallele parking is very nerve racking for me, and mammonth SUV's barreling past aren't very helpful. Also not helpful, using a fog horn to get my attention. I had no idea it was you, and when I'm agitated, offering to tell me how to park my car is not a good idea. Because then I get angry, and start crying. And nobody needs to see that.

I can see you're annoyed I wasn't receptive to your offering of assistance, being as how you quickly drove away whilst holding down your horn. Hopefully this doesn't change our relationship. You know the one where I ask you to get hot water into the apartment or spray for roaches and you don't.

And I ain't Baby.

Thank you,

The Smirking Valet

Burning bridges like it's the fall of Roam.

I recieved an attractive birthday card from my grandmother two days late this year. Which is an improvement upon the past 3 years, when I wasn't even speaking to her. When my mother got in an accident this past May, I had to call her. She immediatly blamed me, but we spoke every day for the first few weeks my mum was in the hospital. Then we got into an argument over something small It was always over something small. We didn't speak again. Then her miserable boyfriend had a stroke last month, and she started to tell my mother she wanted to go into a Nursing Home.

The card I recieved said this "It looks like you and I will never have a relationship. I just want you to know that I appreciate everything you have done for your motherm you have been wonderful and I do wish you the best. Grandmother." Who sends that sort of thing, via a birthday card!!!!!!!!!

And my father who I still don't speak to didn't even attempt to conctact me for my birthday. Last year he forgot, and "apologised for the oversight."

It's just me and my mother now. But that's all it really ever was anyway.

SEX!

Now that I have your attention, I'd like to bring it to a topic that's near and dear to my heart. The proper disposal of condoms, used and unused. For used, never never never flush it down the toilet. Just because drug dealers in Greenpoint do it doesn't mean you should. For unused, and I'm speaking of the expired ones, take them out of the package before throwing them away. If they're non-lubricated, put them on your hands and pretend you're a tadpol.

I bring this topic up because while cleaning my room this evening, I discovered my box of condoms. Most girls have them, I believe. Mine is pink, with a velveteen bow atop. Going through them, I discovered most were expireded within the month.

I told my roommate that's a clear indication I'm not having enough sex. He pointed out maybe I am, I'm just not using protection. Think on that!

*yes Mum, I'm using protection.